On Not Going Gently

My neighbor passed away this week.

Another neighbor became concerned and called for a welfare check, and he was found...not alive. Foul play isn't suspected, but I guess it is SOP to do an autopsy in these situations.

Like most war veterans, he had plenty of physical health issues and more PTSD. I know he vaped an ungodly amount of pot--which was horrible for his COPD---but he said it was the only way he could cope.

I noticed in the past six months he did seem to be spending more time alone. He quit a part-time job. One night he called me very drunk, and told me things he'd done long before I knew him that I'd just as soon not have heard.

He'd evaded death many times already: shot in the head, a coronary, I took him twice myself to the VA hospital for his terrible COPD. And no, he didn't smoke cigarettes, but his dead wife had.

He was gruff, but I'm a New Yorker, and gruff seems normal to me. He had a good sense of humor and was the very first neighbor I met here. We went to HOA meetings together and shared a holiday meal once or twice.

Like most of us, he was perhaps not quite as perceptive about some of his bad (ok, horrible) choices in the past as he might have been. The night he told me the drunken story, I was so shaken up, I had to call the veterans hotline, unsure what to do.

I didn't call for a welfare check that night and none was needed.

I saw him last a week ago. He'd forgotten to put out his garbage, but didn't seem to care--no doubt in a cloud of pot euphoria. 

I think he started drinking more in his last few months, which worried me, but there's only so much you can do when a man is in his late seventies.

He had a 15-yr-old cat who he adored. We always traded stories about our crazy pets.

I understand she has gone with Animal Control, where--having been in the animal rescue world for decades--I imagine she will be or has been put down. Still, it's better than starving to death and wondering why her dad who loved her won't wake up.

I am grateful the other neighbor called for the welfare check. I probably wouldn't have noticed for much longer, and nature would have alerted someone who lives closer to him.

He was flawed and did the best he could with what he had. He had a kind heart, if not always the best judgment. 

Although only a decade older than me, he understood very little about internet use. It made me crazy. 

He was estranged from his only (long grown) child, and from what I understand of the cause, I do not in any way  blame the child, although the separation caused him immeasurable pain. Let's just say he had caused it, whether intentionally or not.

I hope he is some place now where he can find peace: from his emotional war wounds, his familial tragedy, and what I suspect was a creeping loneliness that was eating him alive.

I am old enough now to see and understand these things well enough myself. I suppose I am blessed that creative endeavors still keep my heart beating. I'm not sure how I would be doing myself otherwise.

Pain--like everything else in life--catches up with us sooner or later. His mother is 98, so he had good genetics. But even DNA cannot overcome heartbreak and assaulting your body with toxins.

I know it will be awhile before his being gone really sinks in. I always chatted with him at his garage.

Rest in peace, friend. You fought the good fight.

I never expected to be alone at this life juncture.

Nope, not a widow and my last divorce was eons ago. The world just changed so much in the past 25 years and I'm stuck in another century.

Apparently.

You now have to make clear that you expect a guy to pay for a date. Yes, the tip, too (you're welcome for the slimy humor). For fuck's sake, it's ridiculous. Just pick up the tab without it being a conversation. 

The odd thing about dating at this stage of life is you realize you might have a decade together...two if you're really lucky. Chances are high that one or both of you will eventually face some kind of health crisis--how sexy is that? Not.

And there's really nothing holding you together besides actually wanting to be together. You'll have time to travel, but who can afford it these days? Everyone's kids are grown, thank god. The biggest issue is will your dogs get along? Deal breaker if they don't.

I'm trying a few ways of meeting men. So far, none are dazzling. I still think I'm the shiznizzle and any guy should be thrilled to have me by their side. Maybe it's vanity or maybe it's objective reality--only time will tell.

But tick tock, my biological clock is ticking--the one where you drop dead, I mean. Get to it, boys.